Reminiscence
by SayukiChoco
Summary: Rikku is dealing with the loss of one special guardian.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own FFX or its characters, Square Enix does.

A very big thank you to my Beta, lunaschild. I couldn't have done it without your help! :D

And thank you to those who read my story :P

* * *

I remember him. The long red coat, the glove on his right hand, the way his left arm was always tucked into his robe. I remember the grey in his long black hair. I remember his rare chuckles and even fewer smiles.

I miss his comforting presence and the way he'd let me try to cheer him up when he seemed sad.

I miss him.

But he's gone and I can't change that.

* * *

I remember the first time he talked to me, apart from:

"Hurry up, Rikku!" or "Watch out!"

We were waiting outside the Farplane while Yuna and the others were going to see their loved ones. _Their dead loved ones. _

I refused to go in; I still wasn't able to deal with the loss of friends and family members. I didn't want to cry and I knew I would. I didn't want anybody to see me falter. I had to be strong and happy, not a burden.

I really wasn't surprised to see him not going in either. He wasn't the kind of man who hid behind memories, at least that's what I thought then. I know better now.

We sat there in silence. I didn't want to give him a reason to be mad with me. Maybe it was because I respected his silent nature or maybe I was just scared. But whatever the reason was then, I just kept quiet.

He surprised me when he spoke, asking a simple question.

_"Why didn't you go inside with the others?"_

_"I explained it before. Weren't you listening?"_

_"I was, but it sounded like an excuse to me."_

_"It was. A lame excuse."_

_"Oh, my apologies."_

I still don't know why I was honest with him. I could have lied, just insisted I was serious. (But I knew he wouldn't have believed me anyway.) He didn't say anything else. Guess he didn't want to push me to reveal something I didn't want to. I could have stayed quiet. I didn't. Only God knows why.

The others came back shortly after our little conversation and all of us made went with Seymour. Yunie was my number one priority back then and I didn't have time to think about a silly conversation.

* * *

Of course we had to go through the Thunderplains. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. The fear of lightning was just too intense. I remember feeling like a lost, little child and Auron's remarks sure didn't make me feel any better about it.

"This storm never stops, better to cross quickly."

Ha! I knew that, but I was just too terrified. Finally, the others took pity on me and agreed to stay at the inn overnight so I could calm down a little. I didn't, but you wouldn't either if the lightning and thunder never stopped!

It was maddening and it hurt my ears and I just couldn't rest because of my childish fear. I went down to the entrance hall of the inn, hoping to find someone to talk to before I was went insane.

Of all people, Auron was there. He was sitting in a chair, looking out the window. I had sat myself down in the chair next to him

_"Hey Auron, I'm surprised to see you. Don't you want to rest?"_

_He snapped up and stared at me with his one good eye (He must have been lost in thought.)._

_"Rikku," he stated. "I don't feel the need to rest, but you should. You are the reason why we stopped here in the first place."_

Yeah, that left me feeling guilty. Not too much though. I bet the others wanted to rest too. They just didn't dare say anything.

"_I'm sorry, I know. I just can't. This thunder is too loud and I'm scared."_

His gaze was soft, not something I expected from him. I thought he was going to force me to go back into my room. Well, he did, but in a different way than I expected.

_"Come, I will stay with you in your room until you fall asleep. You need your rest; we still have to cross half of the Plains."_

I was so surprised that I accepted with just a nod and followed behind him as we walked back to my room. I remember he sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for me to lie down. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

When I woke the next day, he was gone. He probably left immediately after I fell asleep. I didn't really care, because I slept great and didn't even wake up once.

But the time it took to get dressed and meet everyone in the entrance hall was enough for my childish fear to crawl back into me, and I couldn't bring myself to step outside the door. Well, Auron wasn't offering any nice words or comfort that morning. And after being so nice to me! I just remember thinking, '_What's wrong with that guy?'_

* * *

I learned a little about him while we were resting in the inn at Macalania Lake. Tidus and I were sitting on the floor of the entrance hall because we were bored. We passed the time by telling each other things about our pasts. We should have been sleeping, but neither of us could rest.

Tidus was worried about Yuna. I could tell. But he didn't talk about it. I think he didn't want to give it words; that Yuna might want to marry Seymour. I guess he fell in love with her or at least he was on his way.

We talked for a little bit with then he got up and strode over to Yuna. He probably wanted to talk to her a little bit too. It made me feel lonely and I searched the lobby of the inn for something else to do. I couldn't see Auron anywhere, so I decided to go find him. He had wandered outside and was sitting on a rock.

I plopped down next to him and there we sat in silence. I could tell that he was drunk, but it didn't bother me. I wasn't scared of him anymore, because I knew he had a gentle side. I didn't think that being drunk would change that. I remember him catching me off guard because he talked to me and just like in Guadosalam, I wasn't expecting it.

_"Do you know how it feels when you cannot think of anything else except the people you have lost in your life?"_

I don't think he realized how that question made me feel at first.

_"Yes," I had answered after a very long pause._

He must have noticed my forced tone because he turned towards me.

_"I'm sorry, of course you do. Everyone does in Spira. I didn't mean to hurt you, my apologies."_

I cried and hid my face, but as I turned to head back for the inn Auron caught my hand and pulled me around. Facing him somehow made it easier. I wasn't ashamed of my tears anymore. Maybe it was because he was drunk, maybe I had hoped he would forget. He didn't.

I remember throwing my arms around his neck, unable to stop the flow of memories that floated around inside me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. My mask of happiness broke, all because of one simple question and I cried into his armor.

_"It's alright," he said. "Sometimes our burdens are too hard to bear and we need to let them go."_

I wondered if he would ever be able to let go of his burdens.

* * *

I certainly let go of my burdens from time to time. There was the destruction of my beloved home. I remember it so clearly. This overwhelming pain about the losses of friends, belongings, and all the other stuff. There was just pain. Nothing else.

I had been sitting in the machine room of the airship, leaning against a wall and I couldn't even cry anymore. There just weren't any tears left. I must have cried myself dry.

We were on our way to Bevelle to rescue Yunie. Of course, like always, I donned my cheerful mask and screamed that I was looking forward to rescuing her. But, back then, I remembered wishing to rescue myself from my pain.

I was so engrossed in my own feelings that I just didn't care about anything else. I didn't even notice when someone sat beside me.

_"How are you feeling?" Auron's gruff voice asked._

_"Bad! What did you expect?!"_

_"Yet you stay so cheerful in front of everybody? I cannot understand that."_

_I lifted my head and looked up at him._

_"I don't want to be a burden..."_

_"You just lost your home Rikku, no one would think of you as a burden."_

His words had hurt. Somehow they proved that it wasn't just a dream. My home was gone. It wasn't coming back.

I started crying _again._

But there he went again, holding me in his arms until my tears ran dry. After a few minutes I got up and faced him.

_"Thanks, I think I'm gonna wash my face. See you later."_

_I went over to the door, but before I passed through, I turned._

_"I wish I could ease your pain too, you know?"_

I remember that smile he gave me and the way it made my heart jump.

* * *

During the time we were climbing Mount Gagazet, I noticed that Auron's behavior changed a little. Granted he always was the quiet type who wasn't into revealing anything about himself, but somehow he seemed even quieter than before. It made me wonder what that was about. He didn't even yell at us when we were fighting fiends carelessly. And I was just starting to get used to him telling us how less we were a help to Yuna when we were dead.

His behavior annoyed me back then. I wanted him lecturing us, because I noticed that it distracted him from his thoughts. Thoughts relating to his earlier pilgrimage with Uncle Braska and Jecht, or at least I assumed that's what he was thinking about.

When Tidus started getting hurt by fiends on purpose and Auron still didn't say anything, I gave myself a new task: Apart from saving Yunie, I was gonna save Auron too.

I managed to corner him one evening while we were setting up camp in a cave.

_"What's wrong with you lately?"_

_He seemed surprised. "What do you mean?"_

_"You just seem so distracted. I don't even think you noticed Tidus and I being careless around fiends earlier. You're supposed to get angry! I'm not used to you not saying anything."_

_He gave a short chuckle. "I should think I've told you enough about fighting fiends responsibly."_

_I sighed. "You're still different."_

_He walked away, not even answering to what I just said._

_"Hey, that's mean! You can't just walk away when someone's talking to you! It's not polite!"_

He ignored me and left our camp. I was surprised by his action, but it made me feel silly afterwards. Who was I (that I imagined it so easy) to comfort a broken man?

It still hurt. I really thought he would tell me his reason for being so upset. But of course he didn't, I was just a child to him after all.

It didn't stop me from wanting to console him. I wasn't going to let him discourage me by just walking away! At that time I just thought he was sad about having to face the place where his friends had died. And because I know a thing or two of dead friends, I wasn't going to let him scare me off.

But, later, I discovered an entirely different reason for his sadness.

* * *

He was dead...DEAD...dead.

I only could repeat that one single word in my mind. Dead. Death. It seemed so senseless to me. It still does.

We were onboard my father's airship again. I withdrew myself from the others by hiding in my room. I sat on my bed just staring out of the window. I didn't even cry. I was just too shocked.

Of course I couldn't console him! He was dead. No one can console someone whose life was taken. He never told us that he was dead, but I didn't think that he survived Yunalesca's attack. No one, not even Auron, could stand an attack like that.

I was angry. I felt so angry that I screamed, loudly. I was just screaming to ease the pain. But it didn't help a bit, the pain was still there. I must have been very loud though, because I heard a knock on my door.

_"Rikku? Are you alright?"_

It was him. Who else would knock on my door and ask me how I'm doing?

I didn't respond, mirroring his actions on Mount Gagazet. I finally understood him that day. Sometimes you just can't say anything, because you are feeling so..._bad._

He just came in. After quietly shutting the door, he sat himself next to me on my bed.

_"What is wrong?"_

I thought about my answer. I decided on being honest. It didn't matter what I said, anyway.

_"You're dead," I answered dully._

_He seemed surprised. "That is why you were screaming?"_

Then I felt a little bit embarrassed.

_"Uh...Yes." _

_"Is it upsetting you?"_

_I got angry again. "Of course not. What do you think? You're just another friend of mine who will fade away soon. Why should I feel upset?"_

_He sensed the irony. "I am sorry"_

The tears came again. I cried again. I just felt so helpless.

_"Can't you stay?" I asked in a tiny whisper._

He never said anything. He just gave me a hug and left.

* * *

_"We'll fight Sin tomorrow, ya. Just wanted you to know, so you're prepared for it and all."_

_"Thanks Wakka," I said with a roll of my eyes and then I muttered. "As if someone could ever prepare for death."_

_He smiled. "Eh, we aren't gonna die, Rikku."_

'_You won't,' I thought._

Fighting Sin meant Auron would be sent soon. I was sure that he would want Yuna to perform the sending for him. I had wondered what kept him here in this world.

I needed to talk to him. Somehow I came to a conclusion that he needed to know how I felt about him. I guess I developed a crush on him at some point and I didn't want to carry around those feelings of him not knowing.

He was standing outside the bridge. He still refused to go in.

_"Auron, I need you to tell you something," I began roundly._

I felt so hollow those last days. I didn't think that words would change that.

_He looked at me. His gaze seemed curious._

_"Uhm...I like you very much." (Ouch. Now that came out...dumb.)_

_He chuckled. "That is nice."_

How could he make me feel so childish?

_"I know that you won't stay here any longer, after we defeat Sin. Well if it doesn't beat us first, I mean." The words were awkward._

_"No, I won't," he answered._

_"I just wanted to know that you'll always have a special place in my heart. I won't forget you."_

_Now he laughed. "I am happy to hear that. You will have a special place in my heart too, thief."_

We had both laughed about that. Those were the last words we spoke.

We did defeat Sin. Afterwards, Yuna reluctantly performed the sending for Auron. I guess I forgot that I wasn't the only one who would suffer from his death.

Then he faded. It was the last time I saw him.

I miss him, but at least I have my memories. And no one can take those away from me.


End file.
